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FINANCIAL CHRONICLE™ » FUN CHRONICLE™ » Stock Market Jokes

Stock Market Jokes

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Quibit

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Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Slept like a baby

The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried.

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Post Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:19 pm by Quibit

Leaving my husband

I'm thinking of leaving my husband, complained the broker's wife. "All he ever does is stand at the end of the bed and tell me how good things are going to be."

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Post Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:19 pm by Quibit

Job application

A stockbroker was filling out a job application when he came to the question: "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered no to the question. The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question with a yes, was "why?" Nevertheless, the stockbroker answered it "Never got caught."

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Post Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:20 pm by Quibit

P/E ratio

P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

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Post Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:20 pm by Quibit

Bull Market & Bear Market

Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
Bear Market - A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets none.

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Post Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:21 pm by Quibit

'we're in turmoil.'

Some years ago, Calcutta stockbrokers were riding high on the Indian tea boom. A stockbroker told of a client who telephoned at the busiest time of the day. 'Can't speak to you for long said the broker, 'we're in turmoil.' Buy me a thousand said the client eagerly.

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Post Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:21 pm by Quibit

SAINTS then and today

Year's ago people who sacrificed their sleep, family, food and happiness were called SAINTS…. Today they are called shareholders

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Post Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:22 pm by Quibit

Last year

The best time to buy anything is last year

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Post Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:22 pm by Quibit

'insufficient funds'

What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my cheques is returned stamped 'insufficient funds'. I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's

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Post Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:24 pm by Quibit

Wallstreet Market Commentary

Wallstreet Market Commentary ...
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.The market for raisins dried up. Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. Sun peaked at midday. Balloon prices were inflated.
And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom. And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market...

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Post Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:24 pm by Quibit

Diversification

Diversification:
Things go wrong all at once, but go right gradually

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Post Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:25 pm by Quibit

Long term investment

A long term investment is a short term investment that failed.

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Post Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:25 pm by Quibit

First rule of investing

The first rule of investing is not to lose money. The second rule is not to forget the first rule!

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Post Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:26 pm by Quibit

Classes of forecasters

We have two classes of forecasters:
Those who don't know -- and those who don't know they don't know!

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Post Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:26 pm by Quibit

Market Correction

Market Correction:
The day after you buy stocks!

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Post Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:27 pm by Quibit

Mistakes

When doctors make mistakes, at least they kill their patients.
When stock brokers make mistakes, they merely ruin them.

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Post Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:27 pm by Quibit

The best way of "making money"

The best way of "making money" is to forget who you borrowed it from.

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Post Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:35 pm by StocksWatch

My broker and I are working on a retirement plan. Unfortunately, it's his!

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Post Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:36 pm by StocksWatch

Q: Why did God create stock analysts ?
A: In order to make weather forecasters look good.



Last edited by StocksWatch on Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:38 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Post Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:37 pm by StocksWatch

A market analyst is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today!

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