Stock Market Jokes

Quibit · 1 Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:18 pm

Quibit

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Slept like a baby

The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried.

Quibit · 2 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:19 pm

Quibit

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Leaving my husband

I'm thinking of leaving my husband, complained the broker's wife. "All he ever does is stand at the end of the bed and tell me how good things are going to be."

Quibit · 3 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:19 pm

Quibit

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Job application

A stockbroker was filling out a job application when he came to the question: "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered no to the question. The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question with a yes, was "why?" Nevertheless, the stockbroker answered it "Never got caught."

Quibit · 4 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:20 pm

Quibit

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P/E ratio

P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

Quibit · 5 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:20 pm

Quibit

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Bull Market & Bear Market

Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
Bear Market - A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets none.

Quibit · 6 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:21 pm

Quibit

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'we're in turmoil.'

Some years ago, Calcutta stockbrokers were riding high on the Indian tea boom. A stockbroker told of a client who telephoned at the busiest time of the day. 'Can't speak to you for long said the broker, 'we're in turmoil.' Buy me a thousand said the client eagerly.

Quibit · 7 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:21 pm

Quibit

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SAINTS then and today

Year's ago people who sacrificed their sleep, family, food and happiness were called SAINTS…. Today they are called shareholders

Quibit · 8 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:22 pm

Quibit

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Last year

The best time to buy anything is last year

Quibit · 9 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:22 pm

Quibit

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'insufficient funds'

What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my cheques is returned stamped 'insufficient funds'. I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's

Quibit · 10 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:24 pm

Quibit

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Wallstreet Market Commentary

Wallstreet Market Commentary ...
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.The market for raisins dried up. Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. Sun peaked at midday.Balloon prices were inflated.
And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom. And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market...

Quibit · 11 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:24 pm

Quibit

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Diversification

Diversification:
Things go wrong all at once, but go right gradually

Quibit · 12 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:25 pm

Quibit

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Long term investment

A long term investment is a short term investment that failed.

Quibit · 13 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:25 pm

Quibit

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First rule of investing

The first rule of investing is not to lose money. The second rule is not to forget the first rule!

Quibit · 14 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:26 pm

Quibit

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Classes of forecasters

We have two classes of forecasters:
Those who don't know -- and those who don't know they don't know!

Quibit · 15 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:26 pm

Quibit

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Market Correction

Market Correction:
The day after you buy stocks!

Quibit · 16 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:27 pm

Quibit

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Mistakes

When doctors make mistakes, at least they kill their patients.
When stock brokers make mistakes, they merely ruin them.

Quibit · 17 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:27 pm

Quibit

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The best way of "making money"

The best way of "making money" is to forget who you borrowed it from.

StocksWatch · 18 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:35 pm

StocksWatch

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My broker and I are working on a retirement plan. Unfortunately, it's his!

StocksWatch · 19 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:36 pm

StocksWatch

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Q: Why did God create stock analysts ?
A: In order to make weather forecasters look good.

Last edited by StocksWatch on Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:38 pm; edited 1 time in total

StocksWatch · 20 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:37 pm

StocksWatch

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A market analyst is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today!

StocksWatch · 21 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:39 pm

StocksWatch

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Trading online is just great. I find it really speeds things up.
I now get my margin calls 5x faster than before

kuk83 · 22 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:42 pm

kuk83

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Quibit wrote:Slept like a baby

The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried.

Best joke

chamith · 23 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:46 pm

chamith

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Q: Why did God create stock analysts ?
A: In order to make weather forecasters look good

-------------------------------

A market analyst is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today!

greene · 24 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 11:03 pm

greene

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Quibit wrote:Market Correction

Market Correction:
The day after you buy stocks!

xD

milanka · 25 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 11:42 pm

milanka

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StocksWatch wrote:My broker and I are working on a retirement plan. Unfortunately, it's his!

And for myself – working with the bank manager, for the best house mortgage plan..

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Stock Market Jokes

1 Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:18 pm

Quibit

2 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:19 pm

Quibit

3 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:19 pm

Quibit

4 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:20 pm

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5 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:20 pm

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6 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:21 pm

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7 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:21 pm

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8 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:22 pm

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9 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:22 pm

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10 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:24 pm

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11 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:24 pm

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12 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:25 pm

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13 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:25 pm

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14 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:26 pm

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15 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:26 pm

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16 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:27 pm

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17 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:27 pm

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18 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:35 pm

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19 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:36 pm

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20 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:37 pm

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21 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:39 pm

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22 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:42 pm

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23 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:46 pm

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24 Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 11:03 pm

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