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FINANCIAL CHRONICLE™ » FUN CHRONICLE™ » Stock Market Jokes

Stock Market Jokes

+20
CSE.SAS
player
Tiger
dashika rebekani
Rocky
investor.sl
hipokid
MarketResearch
xhora
duke
Antonym
jreshu
tkc
Meta Trader
milanka
greene
chamith
kuk83
StocksWatch
Quibit
24 posters

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1Stock Market Jokes Empty Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:18 pm

Quibit


Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Slept like a baby

The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried.

2Stock Market Jokes Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:19 pm

Quibit


Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Leaving my husband

I'm thinking of leaving my husband, complained the broker's wife. "All he ever does is stand at the end of the bed and tell me how good things are going to be."

3Stock Market Jokes Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:19 pm

Quibit


Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Job application

A stockbroker was filling out a job application when he came to the question: "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered no to the question. The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question with a yes, was "why?" Nevertheless, the stockbroker answered it "Never got caught."

4Stock Market Jokes Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:20 pm

Quibit


Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
P/E ratio

P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

5Stock Market Jokes Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:20 pm

Quibit


Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Bull Market & Bear Market

Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
Bear Market - A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets none.

6Stock Market Jokes Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:21 pm

Quibit


Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
'we're in turmoil.'

Some years ago, Calcutta stockbrokers were riding high on the Indian tea boom. A stockbroker told of a client who telephoned at the busiest time of the day. 'Can't speak to you for long said the broker, 'we're in turmoil.' Buy me a thousand said the client eagerly.

7Stock Market Jokes Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:21 pm

Quibit


Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
SAINTS then and today

Year's ago people who sacrificed their sleep, family, food and happiness were called SAINTS…. Today they are called shareholders

8Stock Market Jokes Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:22 pm

Quibit


Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Last year

The best time to buy anything is last year

9Stock Market Jokes Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:22 pm

Quibit


Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
'insufficient funds'

What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my cheques is returned stamped 'insufficient funds'. I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's

10Stock Market Jokes Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:24 pm

Quibit


Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Wallstreet Market Commentary

Wallstreet Market Commentary ...
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.The market for raisins dried up. Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. Sun peaked at midday. Balloon prices were inflated.
And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom. And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market...

11Stock Market Jokes Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:24 pm

Quibit


Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Diversification

Diversification:
Things go wrong all at once, but go right gradually

12Stock Market Jokes Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:25 pm

Quibit


Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Long term investment

A long term investment is a short term investment that failed.

13Stock Market Jokes Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:25 pm

Quibit


Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
First rule of investing

The first rule of investing is not to lose money. The second rule is not to forget the first rule!

14Stock Market Jokes Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:26 pm

Quibit


Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Classes of forecasters

We have two classes of forecasters:
Those who don't know -- and those who don't know they don't know!

15Stock Market Jokes Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:26 pm

Quibit


Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Market Correction

Market Correction:
The day after you buy stocks!

16Stock Market Jokes Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:27 pm

Quibit


Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Mistakes

When doctors make mistakes, at least they kill their patients.
When stock brokers make mistakes, they merely ruin them.

17Stock Market Jokes Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:27 pm

Quibit


Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
The best way of "making money"

The best way of "making money" is to forget who you borrowed it from.

18Stock Market Jokes Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:35 pm

StocksWatch


Assistant Vice President - Equity Analytics
Assistant Vice President - Equity Analytics
My broker and I are working on a retirement plan. Unfortunately, it's his!

19Stock Market Jokes Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:36 pm

StocksWatch


Assistant Vice President - Equity Analytics
Assistant Vice President - Equity Analytics
Q: Why did God create stock analysts ?
A: In order to make weather forecasters look good.



Last edited by StocksWatch on Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:38 pm; edited 1 time in total

20Stock Market Jokes Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:37 pm

StocksWatch


Assistant Vice President - Equity Analytics
Assistant Vice President - Equity Analytics
A market analyst is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today!

21Stock Market Jokes Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:39 pm

StocksWatch


Assistant Vice President - Equity Analytics
Assistant Vice President - Equity Analytics
Trading online is just great. I find it really speeds things up.
I now get my margin calls 5x faster than before

22Stock Market Jokes Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:42 pm

kuk83

kuk83
Manager - Equity Analytics
Manager - Equity Analytics
@Quibit wrote:Slept like a baby

The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried.

Best joke Very Happy Very Happy

23Stock Market Jokes Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:46 pm

chamith

chamith
Assistant Vice President - Equity Analytics
Assistant Vice President - Equity Analytics
Q: Why did God create stock analysts ?
A: In order to make weather forecasters look good

-------------------------------

A market analyst is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today!

24Stock Market Jokes Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 11:03 pm

greene


Equity Analytic
Equity Analytic
@Quibit wrote:Market Correction

Market Correction:
The day after you buy stocks!

xD

25Stock Market Jokes Empty Re: Stock Market Jokes Sun Apr 24, 2011 11:42 pm

milanka

milanka
Vice President - Equity Analytics
Vice President - Equity Analytics
@StocksWatch wrote:My broker and I are working on a retirement plan. Unfortunately, it's his!

And for myself – working with the bank manager, for the best house mortgage plan..

http://forum.srilankaequity.com/u188

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