Stock Market Jokes

Quibit

Quibit

Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics

Posts : 2633
Join date : 2010-05-08

Slept like a baby

The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried.

Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:27 pm by Quibit · Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:27 pm by Quibit

Mistakes

When doctors make mistakes, at least they kill their patients.
When stock brokers make mistakes, they merely ruin them.

Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:27 pm by Quibit · Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:27 pm by Quibit

The best way of "making money"

The best way of "making money" is to forget who you borrowed it from.

Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:35 pm by StocksWatch · Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:35 pm by StocksWatch

My broker and I are working on a retirement plan. Unfortunately, it's his!

Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:36 pm by StocksWatch · Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:36 pm by StocksWatch

Q: Why did God create stock analysts ?
A: In order to make weather forecasters look good.

Last edited by StocksWatch on Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:38 pm; edited 1 time in total

Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:37 pm by StocksWatch · Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:37 pm by StocksWatch

A market analyst is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today!

Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:39 pm by StocksWatch · Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:39 pm by StocksWatch

Trading online is just great. I find it really speeds things up.
I now get my margin calls 5x faster than before

Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:42 pm by kuk83 · Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:42 pm by kuk83

@Quibit wrote:Slept like a baby

The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried.

Best joke

Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:46 pm by chamith · Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:46 pm by chamith

Q: Why did God create stock analysts ?
A: In order to make weather forecasters look good

-------------------------------

A market analyst is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today!

Sun Apr 24, 2011 11:03 pm by greene · Sun Apr 24, 2011 11:03 pm by greene

@Quibit wrote:Market Correction

Market Correction:
The day after you buy stocks!

xD

Sun Apr 24, 2011 11:42 pm by milanka · Sun Apr 24, 2011 11:42 pm by milanka

@StocksWatch wrote:My broker and I are working on a retirement plan. Unfortunately, it's his!

And for myself – working with the bank manager, for the best house mortgage plan..

Mon Apr 25, 2011 12:00 am by Meta Trader · Mon Apr 25, 2011 12:00 am by Meta Trader

Stock Market Investment tips for 2011

Get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2011.

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will
become: Knott NOW!

9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new
name: Titty Titty Bang Bang

Mon Apr 25, 2011 12:02 am by Meta Trader · Mon Apr 25, 2011 12:02 am by Meta Trader

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationery.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market...

Sun May 08, 2011 6:40 am by **tkc** · Sun May 08, 2011 6:40 am by **tkc**

About Stocks Trading Strategies

If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.
By Clint Eastwood

Fri May 13, 2011 11:35 am by jreshu · Fri May 13, 2011 11:35 am by jreshu

Wallstreet Market Commentary ...

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market...
Making Money
Q: How to make a million in the stock market?
A: Start with two!
QUESTION: When does a person decide to become a stockbroker?
ANSWER : When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: In these busy market times, how can you get the attention of your broker?
A: Say, "Hey, waiter!" (he's waitin always to get the price...)
--------------------------------------------
The market is weird. Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they're smart.
--------------------------------------------
The stock market was in a terrible state. One day the Sensex was unchanged and they called it a rally......

------------------
Trading online is just great. I find it really speeds things up.
I now get my margin calls 5x faster than before
---------------------------------------------------
"I hear that you drop some money in Markets. Were you a bull or a bear?"
"Neither, just a plain simple ass."

http://accurate-sureshot-stock-tips.blogspot.com/p/financial-jokes-share-market-jokes_07.html

Last edited by Quibit on Fri May 13, 2011 12:23 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Post Modified to include Jokes from Posters websites)

Fri May 13, 2011 12:15 pm by Quibit · Fri May 13, 2011 12:15 pm by Quibit

Your post moved to Entertainment Section.

Fri May 13, 2011 12:47 pm by Antonym · Fri May 13, 2011 12:47 pm by Antonym

Hi, Quibit - I am not sure whether my comment deserves to be in the Entertainment Section. Just delete it. Smile

Fri May 13, 2011 1:04 pm by milanka · Fri May 13, 2011 1:04 pm by milanka

Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.

Broker - Poorer than you were 2 years ago.

Stock split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.

Fri May 13, 2011 1:06 pm by duke · Fri May 13, 2011 1:06 pm by duke

Some shares will go up. Some shares will go down. -- MarketWatch

Fri May 13, 2011 1:47 pm by milanka · Fri May 13, 2011 1:47 pm by milanka

@duke wrote:Some shares will go up. Some shares will go down. -- MarketWatch

To complete it , May I add the folowing :-

Some shares will go up. Some shares will go down during the coming weeks , months and quarters. -- MarketWatch

Fri May 13, 2011 2:37 pm by duke · Fri May 13, 2011 2:37 pm by duke

@milanka wrote:

@duke wrote:Some shares will go up. Some shares will go down. -- MarketWatch

To complete it , May I add the folowing :-

Some shares will go up. Some shares will go down during the coming weeks , months and quarters. -- MarketWatch

yep, that's the one. Smile

Wed May 18, 2011 9:19 am by **tkc** · Wed May 18, 2011 9:19 am by **tkc**

Boy : Do you Love me ?
Girl: Yes, a lot Smile

*Boy goes Running*

Girl : Where are you going?
Boy : To update my Relationship status on Facebook.

This is not related to stock market.But it is Cool

Sun May 22, 2011 10:53 am by duke · Sun May 22, 2011 10:53 am by duke

Dec 2011: Market announced yesterday an extension has been given to clear the credit 12.5% by March 2012, 12.5% by June 2012. Share market rose after yesterday's news.

June 2012: Market announced yesterday an extension has been given to clear the credit 6.25% by September 2012, 6.25% by December 2012. Share market rose after yesterday's news.

Dec 2012: Market announced yesterday an extension has been given to clear the credit 3.125% by March 2013, 3.125% by June 2013. Share market rose after yesterday's news.

...

June 2050: Market announced yesterday an extension has been given to clear the credit 0.0048% by September 2051, 0.0048% by December 2051. Share market rose after yesterday's news.

Sun May 22, 2011 11:40 am by xhora · Sun May 22, 2011 11:40 am by xhora

@duke wrote:Dec 2011: Market announced yesterday an extension has been given to clear the credit 12.5% by March 2012, 12.5% by June 2012. Share market rose after yesterday's news.

June 2012: Market announced yesterday an extension has been given to clear the credit 6.25% by September 2012, 6.25% by December 2012. Share market rose after yesterday's news.

Dec 2012: Market announced yesterday an extension has been given to clear the credit 3.125% by March 2013, 3.125% by June 2013. Share market rose after yesterday's news.

...

June 2050: Market announced yesterday an extension has been given to clear the credit 0.0048% by September 2051, 0.0048% by December 2051. Share market rose after yesterday's news.

Best joke ever

Fri Jul 22, 2011 8:53 am by **MarketResearch** · Fri Jul 22, 2011 8:53 am by **MarketResearch**

@Quibit wrote:Slept like a baby

The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried.

Ane Andanna Epa Raththaran me MR innakan

Fri Jul 22, 2011 10:11 am by hipokid · Fri Jul 22, 2011 10:11 am by hipokid

Some shares go up
Some shares go down
Some are remaining same
I lost day by day
Embarassed

by Sponsored content

Latest topics

Stock Market Jokes

Stock Market Jokes

Quibit