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FINANCIAL CHRONICLE™ » FUN CHRONICLE™ » Stock Market Jokes

Stock Market Jokes

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Quibit


Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Senior Vice President - Equity Analytics
Slept like a baby

The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried.

Share this post on: redditgoogle

Post Wed May 18, 2011 9:19 am by tkc

Boy : Do you Love me ?
Girl: Yes, a lot Smile

*Boy goes Running*

Girl : Where are you going?
Boy : To update my Relationship status on Facebook.

This is not related to stock market.But it is Cool Cool

Post Sun May 22, 2011 10:53 am by duke

Dec 2011: Market announced yesterday an extension has been given to clear the credit 12.5% by March 2012, 12.5% by June 2012. Share market rose after yesterday's news.

June 2012: Market announced yesterday an extension has been given to clear the credit 6.25% by September 2012, 6.25% by December 2012. Share market rose after yesterday's news.

Dec 2012: Market announced yesterday an extension has been given to clear the credit 3.125% by March 2013, 3.125% by June 2013. Share market rose after yesterday's news.

...

June 2050: Market announced yesterday an extension has been given to clear the credit 0.0048% by September 2051, 0.0048% by December 2051. Share market rose after yesterday's news.

Post Sun May 22, 2011 11:40 am by xhora

@duke wrote:Dec 2011: Market announced yesterday an extension has been given to clear the credit 12.5% by March 2012, 12.5% by June 2012. Share market rose after yesterday's news.

June 2012: Market announced yesterday an extension has been given to clear the credit 6.25% by September 2012, 6.25% by December 2012. Share market rose after yesterday's news.

Dec 2012: Market announced yesterday an extension has been given to clear the credit 3.125% by March 2013, 3.125% by June 2013. Share market rose after yesterday's news.

...

June 2050: Market announced yesterday an extension has been given to clear the credit 0.0048% by September 2051, 0.0048% by December 2051. Share market rose after yesterday's news.

Best joke ever

Post Fri Jul 22, 2011 8:53 am by MarketResearch

@Quibit wrote:Slept like a baby

The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried.

Ane Andanna Epa Raththaran me MR innakan

hipokid

Post Fri Jul 22, 2011 10:11 am by hipokid

Some shares go up
Some shares go down
Some are remaining same
I lost day by day
Embarassed

investor.sl

Post Fri Jul 22, 2011 11:02 am by investor.sl

all shares go down Very Happy

Antonym

Post Sat Aug 06, 2011 7:51 pm by Antonym

Q: What's the difference between stockbrokers and God?

A: God doesn't think He is a stockbroker.

Rocky

Post Sat Aug 06, 2011 8:34 pm by Rocky

Noah was the 1st person to float his stocks and company.
Whereas, all the others liquidated theirs!

avatar

Post Sun Aug 07, 2011 8:03 pm by dashika rebekani



Re: Stock Market Jokes

Post by Antonym Yesterday at 7:51 pm

Q: What's the difference between stockbrokers and God?

A: God doesn't think He is a stockbroker.



GOOD ONE BUDDY lol! lol! lol!

_________________

Tiger

Post Sun Aug 07, 2011 11:34 pm by Tiger

8th August 2011. SEC has allowed the stockbrokers to provide credit facilities to portfolio holders below the value of Rs. 1million, up to 50% of their portfolio value.

If this happens this will be the joke of the Joke

lol!

player

Post Sun Aug 07, 2011 11:40 pm by player

@Tiger wrote:8th August 2011. SEC has allowed the stockbrokers to provide credit facilities to portfolio holders below the value of Rs. 1million, up to 50% of their portfolio value.

If this happens this will be the joke of the Joke

lol!

ela,our retailers will buy in mad and indexes may rose by over 300 points AND trading may halt,and indexes will climb down again after two or three days .........
then our ppl will say

"this is due to US debt crisis,we should give them credit to survive the mkt"

heheheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Razz Razz Razz

Rocky

Post Sun Oct 30, 2011 9:49 pm by Rocky

Convert to cash,
High inflation is neigh!

CSE.SAS

Post Mon Oct 31, 2011 7:45 pm by CSE.SAS

The market is weird. Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they're smart.
The new name - Ow Jones.
From Milton Berle's collection

avatar

Post Sun Jan 08, 2012 12:10 pm by kaka

The dentist

A stockbroker walked into a dental clinic and asked for costing for getting a tooth taken out.

"Well," said the dentist, ‘That depends on the level of service. If you want to go private we can give you the best and latest in dental treatment. We can get an anaesthetist from the local hospital and skilled, dental nurses to help out. Guaranteed no pain, no blood.’

"Sounds good," said the man, "how much?"
‘£200 per tooth’, dentist said.
"That’s extortion!" the stockbroker replied.

Then the dentist said, "We can give you standard NHS treatment. I do the anaesthetic myself - no nurses. You get a little bit of pain and a little bit of blood, but it’ll only cost you £20.’

"No, that’s still too dear. Can you not do it a bit cheaper?" , the stockbroker said.

‘Tell you what,’ said the dentist, getting angry, ‘I could get a pair of pliers from B&Q and do a homer for you. No anaesthetic. Guaranteed very painful and a lot of blood. Your mouth will hurt for three months and you’ll struggle to talk for at least two days. I’d do it for £5 and take pleasure in it.’

"OK, you got yourself a deal... book my wife in for next Tuesday", the stockbroker said.

avatar

Post Sun Jan 08, 2012 12:13 pm by kaka

Old Jack
Old Jack had been a penny-pinching miser all his life, and made it clear to his family that he wanted to take his money with him when he died. When he passed away he was laid out in the front parlour. When his bank manager called to offer his condolences he said.

”I expected to see the coffin filled with his money as he requested,” he remarked.

”Oh yes, he can have it,” said his widow, and holding up a bank cheque, placed it gently between old Jack’s icy fingers.

”As soon as he presents the cheque you can give him the money” she said. Thisismoney

avatar

Post Sun Jan 08, 2012 12:14 pm by kaka

Challenge beyond January 1 celebrations for business leaders
Every year, business leaders kick off January with a series of events including celebrations, recognising and rewarding employees, new goal setting, strategy formulation and alignment, motivational programs and plans to accomplish goals in the coming months.

Communication can be the first step to making real, meaningful changes - changes for improvement. And then managing the mindset of employees throughout the year. Every single day is critical, hence maintaining high energy levels is crucial to business success.

Peace brings opportunity but intensifies competition
Whether we like it or not, this year will be tougher than the last. Despite the looming world economic downturn, even if the local macro environment improves expanding our markets, each business will have more competition.

You know how competition intensified over the past two years with permanent peace dawning. Even if none-of these are barriers, meeting stakeholders will pose incremental challenges. If you raise your expectations over demanded expectations you will challenge yourself to get the best. So it's not doing the same things as we did last year but doing it differently for the same results. If we want more, we have to change at higher levels.

Communicate the challenge, expectation and support to employees
Clearly explain to each employee what is expected of him or her during this year. Also, remind them of why he or she was given that specific role. Raise your level of expectations aligning with the challenge and goals. If your employees see that you are expecting more from them within realistic boundaries, they'll be encouraged to be committed. On the other hand, if your employees feel that the management doesn't trust that they can perform at a high level, they won't be motivated to do anything more than what is necessary to get their pay.

Set specific communication times and timelines. To run a successful business, the employer and employee must be on the same page, working towards a common goal. It's necessary to have open lines of communication. Deciding on how often to meet and review- whether on a weekly or monthly basis - will streamline issues and questions and ensure that important items are addressed and timely decisions are taken.

Keeping energy levels of employees high
Motivation is key to tapping into the inner power of people. Motivation is two fold - internal and external motivation. Internal is self and external is by others.

What is more fruitful and sustainable is their own personal motivational forces. Creating an organisational environment within which employees can gain job satisfaction is the only way for inner motivation of employees.

For the employer this means optimum realisable quality results through people. Self-motivation is more lasting and effective - it's a win-win for the employee and employer. Inspire self motivated staff by trusting them to work on their own initiatives rather than leader imposed initiatives. It's a mind game - and it all depends on how you manage the mindset of the employees as a leader.

http://www.sundayobserver.lk/2012/01/08/fin40.asp

avatar

Post Sun Jan 15, 2012 10:56 am by kaka

Three envelopes
A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."

Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.

About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganise!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.

Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".

http://www.sundayobserver.lk/2012/01/15/fin40.asp

avatar

Post Sun Jan 15, 2012 10:56 am by kaka

The farm job
The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.

The farmer told him to clean the cow dung. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but to his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.

The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done. The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes.

At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potato bag, but the two boxes were empty. The farmer asked the manager: "How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?" The manager answered: "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with rubbish, but now you ask me to make decisions
http://www.sundayobserver.lk/2012/01/15/fin40.asp

Kumar

Post Sun Jan 15, 2012 1:34 pm by Kumar

Thanks kaka for sharing the above posts.
Good for relaxation no?

avatar

Post Thu Sep 20, 2012 3:41 pm by meet3379

Stock market is important in our life. its provide great result.

Post  by Sponsored content

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