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FINANCIAL CHRONICLE™ » FUN CHRONICLE™ » Jokes to keep you relaxed

Jokes to keep you relaxed

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1Jokes to keep you relaxed Empty Jokes to keep you relaxed Fri Apr 11, 2014 12:06 am

SHARK aka TAH

SHARK aka TAH
Expert
Expert
A long term investment is a short term investment that failed.

2Jokes to keep you relaxed Empty Re: Jokes to keep you relaxed Fri Apr 11, 2014 12:07 am

SHARK aka TAH

SHARK aka TAH
Expert
Expert
A one dollar bill met a twenty dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff ... church, church, church."

3Jokes to keep you relaxed Empty Re: Jokes to keep you relaxed Fri Apr 11, 2014 12:10 am

SHARK aka TAH

SHARK aka TAH
Expert
Expert
Smart Investing
If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.00.

4Jokes to keep you relaxed Empty Re: Jokes to keep you relaxed Fri Apr 11, 2014 12:11 am

SHARK aka TAH

SHARK aka TAH
Expert
Expert
An accountant goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner shows him three identical parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500."
"Why does that parrot cost so much?" asks the accountant.
"Well," replies the owner, "it knows how to do complex audits."
"How much does the middle parrot cost?" asks the accountant.
"That one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the first one can do plus it knows how to prepare financial forecasts".
The startled accountant asks about the third parrot, to be told it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?"
To which the owner replies "To be honest, I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner."

5Jokes to keep you relaxed Empty Re: Jokes to keep you relaxed Fri Apr 11, 2014 12:11 am

SHARK aka TAH

SHARK aka TAH
Expert
Expert
I saw a bank that said if offered 24 Hour Banking." But I didn’t go in. I didn’t have that much time.

6Jokes to keep you relaxed Empty Re: Jokes to keep you relaxed Fri Apr 11, 2014 12:14 am

SHARK aka TAH

SHARK aka TAH
Expert
Expert
Jesus saves. But wouldn’t it have been better if he had invested?

7Jokes to keep you relaxed Empty Re: Jokes to keep you relaxed Fri Apr 11, 2014 12:15 am

SHARK aka TAH

SHARK aka TAH
Expert
Expert
A woman was cleaning her husbands dresser drawers when she found 3 golf balls and a box with $2000 in it. She waited for him to come home from the golf course to ask him why these things were hidden in his dresser drawer.

The husband said I'm sorry I hid this from you but the truth is every time I cheated on you over the last 30 years I put a golf ball in the drawer.

The wife was very upset at first but after thinking about it said "I guess 3 times in 30 years is really not that bad! Oh by the way what is the $2000 in the drawer.

The husband replied" Well every time I got to a dozen balls I sold them.

8Jokes to keep you relaxed Empty Re: Jokes to keep you relaxed Fri Apr 11, 2014 12:21 am

SHARK aka TAH

SHARK aka TAH
Expert
Expert
THE CHANGING FACE OF CAPITALISM

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
* You have two cows.
* You sell one and buy a bull.
* Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

* You sell them and retire on the income.

AMERICAN CAPITALISM (or Enro-capitalism):
* You have two cows.
* You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy influence with a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:
* You have two cows.
* You sell one, accept an LAW tax promised credit payable in 4 year's time, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
* You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
* You have two cows.
* You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
* You have two cows.
* You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce 20 times the milk
* You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
* You have two cows.
* You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:
* You have two cows.
* Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
* You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
* You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
* You have two cows.
* You count them and learn you have five cows.
* You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
* You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
* You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
* You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
* You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:
* You have two cows.
* You have 300 people milking them.
* You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION:
* You have two cows.
* That one on the left is kinda cute...

9Jokes to keep you relaxed Empty Re: Jokes to keep you relaxed Fri Apr 11, 2014 12:29 am

SHARK aka TAH

SHARK aka TAH
Expert
Expert
A man walks into a New York City bank and says he wants to borrow $2,000 for three weeks.

The loan officer asks him what kind of collateral he has.

The man says "I've got a Rolls Royce -- keep it until the loan is paid off -- here are the keys."

The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gives the man $2,000.

Three weeks later the man comes into the bank, pays back the $2,000 loan, plus $10 interest, and regains possession of the Rolls Royce.

The loan officer asks him, "Sir, if I may ask, why would a man who drives a Rolls Royce need to borrow two thousand dollars?"

The man answers, "I had to go to Europe for three weeks, and where else could I store a Rolls Royce for that long for ten dollars?"

10Jokes to keep you relaxed Empty Re: Jokes to keep you relaxed Fri Apr 11, 2014 12:32 am

SHARK aka TAH

SHARK aka TAH
Expert
Expert
Management student kisses a girl.
Girl: Whats this?
Boy: Its called DIRECT MARKETING.
(Girl slaps the boy)
Boy: What is this?
Girl: This is CUSTOMER FEED BACK.

11Jokes to keep you relaxed Empty Re: Jokes to keep you relaxed Fri Apr 11, 2014 6:21 am

Pethi

Pethi
Senior Manager - Equity Analytics
Senior Manager - Equity Analytics
I love these jokes.... thanks Shark...!

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